Direction

     Okay first of all...sorry! I don't know if I have any regular readers--I don't get stats like that, but I fell off the face of the earth for a bit, and I apologize, if anyone noticed! 

     I am in crisis. Call it a quarter-life crisis, perhaps. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I've been writing this blog as kind of an outlet, a connection to the outside world, and for now I definitely like that. Of course, this is just one small part of my life right now. 

Source

     I went back to school to get my MBA. Here's the thing though, I don't want it. I never really wanted it, it was beneficial to getting a better paying job, etc. So then I tried to think: "Okay, well what do I want to do?" Well, I like computers. I was in the IT program in college and really enjoyed it, but copped out because the degree was going to take too long. I regret that now, so I tried to switch programs. Turns out, this was impossible with my school. So I have now withdrawn from the MBA program, with the plan to re-enroll in the IT program.  

     And yet...I think I'm going to hold out on re-enrolling for a bit. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, really. I don't want to lock myself into something that I regret right now, seeing as I'm pretty unsure, right now. 

     Lately, I've been thinking a lot about acting. That was my original dream, as a little girl (well, actress and singer, of course). But I pushed it back, tabled that idea because as a child I was very shy. It would have been impossible for me to be on stage. Now, however, as an adult--I have put a lot of work into that, and have vastly improved. 

     I looked up some acting classes, and I think I might take them. Just to see. I'm not really sure. I'm kind of floundering. There are a lot of things I could do. But this has really stuck in my mind. I've been thinking about it for a while, but it was one of those things that I only just realized what I had in mind. My mother told me: "Well, it's a lot of work." She seemed surprised that I already knew that. I guess I was kind of surprised that I knew that. About head shots, and demo reels, and casting calls, etc. I had been paying even closer attention than I even thought. I'm no model, but I really think I'm pretty good at it--and of course, classes could only help. And they might make me really think about it--for good or bad. 

     My mind is of course my biggest roadblock here, telling me I'm being ridiculous, that I could never do anything as an actor, that I'm, not pretty enough, not thin enough, etc. And maybe that's true, maybe not, I think there are a lot of people in acting who are only about as attractive as I am, really. 

Both re: acting AND my life. (Source)

     And then there's this: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? So many people would kill for what you have!" I have a good job, pretty good pay, a decent place to live. But I'm just so blah. I'm not happy. It's such a difficult question. 

     What's more important? Stability or doing something you love? I'm honestly not sure. 

     But the bottom line is this: I'm free to choose my own direction, and at this point, I don't want there to be any regrets. So, I'm going to try some stuff, I think. I can take acting classes and IT classes at the same time, no problem. Feel it out, try to decide where I want to go. 

My biggest fear is that I will just have no direction--just aimlessly drift through life. And I'm not willing to do that. I don't know. I plan to figure it out!

Anticipated Games!

     I've been writing some super heavy post for a while, so I thought I would take a break today and write something a little bit more relaxed and nerdy.

     We are approaching the holiday season peoples, and a BIG time in gaming. A lot of really big games will be coming out in the next few months, and I thought it would be great to talk about some of the games that I am anticipating most through the end of the year! (In order of release date.)

• Assassin's Creed: Unity (Release date 11/11/2014)

I am currently playing through the whole Assassin's Creed series, in order to prepare for this game. I'm ashamed to admit, I had never played this series at all prior to the showing of Unity at E3. But I actually really like it, so it's a shame that I missed out for so many years! I love history in general anyway, so that part of it if definitely fine!

SOURCE

Man--look at that. I'm not one for graphics above gaming, but that is absolutely beautiful! I'm also excited because there has been some information released that suggests that there may actually be a strong female character, always a plus! 

SOURCE

I pre-ordered the Collector's Edition because I am a psycho, and am highly looking forward to playing the CRAP out of it.

• Far Cry 4 (Release date 11/18/2014)

The next game on my list is the new Far Cry! Far Cry 3 is one of the most fun games that I have played in the past 5 years, and 4 is poised to surpass it (except for maybe Vaas--is it weird that I find him incredibly hot? Crazy? Yes. But Hot.). But Pagan Min is definitely looking good, haha! Honestly the base gameplay of Far Cry was so great, and I am definitely looking forward to riding an elephant.

I also got the Collector's edition for this one: titled the Kryat edition. I wanted the Pagan Min statue. :) (Don't judge me!)

LOOK AT IT (SOURCE)

• Dragon Age: Inquisition (Release date 11/18/2014)

OMG OMG OMG. Lol--I am looking forward to this game an absolutely ridiculous amount. This is the first game that I have EVER taken the day off work to play! I cannot even express properly how much I want to play this game. I may cry when I have it in my hands.

I love BioWare. I have purchased both the Deluxe Edition for PS4, and the Inquisitor's Edition for PC. You guys. I BOUGHT 2 COPIES OF THE GAME, ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS. I know, I'm crazy. But I have been with Dragon Age since the beginning, and BioWare has such a good track record of making games I love, I can't help myself.

Plus, there's this face:

Hnng. #Cullenites (X)

• Tom Clancy's The Division (12/31/2014)

I am also really excited about The Division. The above release date is still what is listed on Gamestop's website, but the last news is that the release has been pushed back until 2015. It's set in a post apocalyptic world (isn't everything nowadays?) but the gameplay and the story looks really interesting. Just check out the trailer!

So that does it so far! It's lucky I only have so many REALLY big ones on my list, because my time will already be ate up! :)

Definitely looking forward to this holiday game season--which games on our lists overlap? Or are there any other ones to share?

Tsubasacon 2014 (Also on challenges)

     

     Well! This past weekend was Tsubasacon, the friendliest anime/Japanese pop culture convention in West Virginia! Some friends of mine run this convention, so I always try to help out. I've been going for a couple of y ears. I decided to combine the post for my brief recap of Tsu into another related topic. 

     First, let me just say this: this was the best year of Tsubasacon that I've ever attended! There have been some changes in my life recently that I think have really allowed me to enjoy more things. I was able to talk to more people, able to do more things, and really get to have fun. I felt like I got closer to some people I hadn't really been able to talk to as much before, and was really able to relax. 

     There was some great cosplay: 

 

     

     Some of my favorites, that I got anyway (unfortunately I forgot my camera on Saturday--missed a great Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune, and all the Disney princesses), had a lovely Poison Ivy, but it came out blurry. :(

     I ran out of time to cosplay, unfortunately, and since I've never done it before, I need all the time I can get! Maybe next year! But I did get to meet DC Douglas (voice of Legion from Mass Effect/Wesker from Resident Evil, and more), Lisle Wilkerson (voices in Shenmue II and Virtual Fighter, etc), and Paul St. Peter (Xemnas from Kindom Hearts, Kokomon, Zor Prime in Robotech, and more!)

Me and D.C. Douglas

With Paul St. Peter

With Lisle Wilkerson! (P.S. note my Spectre hoodie!)

     Of course, I work the con, so I can't do everything, but I got to buy a lot of great products from artists, and from Vendors, and had a lot of fun! I am/was WIPED OUT from it. I like hanging out with people and doing things, but I get very tired from being "out there" for an extended period of time. I tend to throw myself into things.   

     All in all, it was an absolutely fabulous weekend. It'll take me a week to recover, but it was worth it!

So, on that note! 

     I like lots of things. I literally cannot think of even a single thing that I have not been somewhat interested in. I decided I wanted to learn to knit, so I taught myself from the internet. I wanted to learn to make candies—and the last batch of caramels I made produced a marriage proposal. Someone cannot be watching even a moderately interesting show or movie, because once I’m caught I have to stay to see what happens.

     On one hand, this means that I have never had the experience of being bored. At any given time there are nine-tillion things I want to be doing, or watching, or listening to.

     On the other: sometimes I don’t do anything. I just sit there until bedtime trying to decide on the thing I want to do. No, like actually. I have LITERALLY just sat in a chair until it was time to go to bed, just because I couldn’t settle on the thing I wanted to do right then. What a waste of time.

     So sometimes, I just make a decision. Quick, snap. Just so that a decision is made. It may not be the best decision (ie, my school work vs playing Assassin’s Creed for 6 hours (I also tend to hyper focus, it’s very difficult for me to quit once I start doing something)), but at least I don’t sit in a chair all evening and get neither thing done.

     So, I tell you that to tell you this.

     When you make those snap decisions—and we ALL make them—definitely be you.

BUT---

     Don’t let yourself always follow the same tracks you've laid. Make yourself do something new. Something different. I am an EXTREME introvert. It is easiest, simplest, and most comfortable for me to be by myself. However, if I always let myself do that, I wouldn't have the good friends I have today. I would be able to have the fun times that I have with them. Wouldn’t travel, or go to festivals, or parties.

     And everyone has their own thing. Maybe you’re the opposite of me. Maybe you don’t like to be alone so much. Maybe it’s easier for you to fall into the company of others.  So do the opposite of that. Make sure to spend some alone time—truly get to know yourself. Focus on one or two very good friends, make sure that they know that they’re valued.

     Challenge yourself. It doesn’t have to be all the time. But nature grows by change. There are so many wonderful things out there for people to discover.

     Tsubasacon for me is one of those things. One of those things that I kind of have to push myself into as an introvert. But, I have never regretted it. I always have fun. That's why it is so important to try new things, and to push yourself--because otherwise you may never find things, people, or activities that you love. 

Do you. But do as well as possible! :D

Chart Your Course

     
     Life is kind of a jumbled mess for me right now. There are a lot of things going on all at once, and I'm not spending a whole lot of time at home. I am often tired, and I have been napping on breaks at work. 

      Luckily, all of the overtime that I've been working lately will be over soon. I'm trying to take advantage of it while I can, because I don't want to miss the opportunity. 

     At the same time, when I get home, I have to prioritize--I only have so much energy or time in the evenings. As such I have a lot of things that are on the back burner for right now. I can only work on my novel on the weekends, my class work for grad school all has to be done in bursts on breaks and lunches (when I'm not napping). I haven't had time to work out in weeks. 

     I'm sure I'm not the first person to wish for more hours--if I could live forever, I would be first in line. But for now--(crossing my fingers for advances in science, here)--I only have so many. So I believe that it is so important to establish what you want to do. What you want to get done, and things that you hope to accomplish. I can have a lot going on in my head any any one time and I tend to want to do so much that I get overwhelmed, so I thought it might be helpful to talk a little bit about how I organize things in such a way so that I don't feel overwhelmed--and so that sh*t gets done. 

     It's no secret that I am a touch OCD. I have a notebook full of lists, budgets, and charts. 

So, this is what I do. When I think about doing a lot of things all at once, it feels like too much, and like I won't be able to do any of it. So, first, I separate things out. 

• Immediate Goals--is for to-dos that need down immediately (of course), or things that will be done as soon as you get home and then will be done. These are non-negotiable, they get done, or they build up. 
• Short term Goals--this is for goals that are a little more invested. You probably need to actually set aside some time to just do these, but they're things with out an immediate deadline, but that you know you need to get done soon. 
• Long term Goals--and finally, these are the biggies. These are the goals that will need plans of all their own, long term (duh) desires or accomplishments. 

     The immediate and short term goal are then pretty easy to deal with--immediate goals get accomplished as soon as possible. Short term goals aren't immediate, but they are short-range quicker goals that I set a day to accomplish. I try to space them out so that I still have some time to do other things. 

     And then I identify something small that I can do to move towards my long term goals. Using the chart above as an example, I would take one of the large overarching goals--we'll use figuring out what I want to do with my life. That is a really large goal! How can I do that? Well, for starters, I can try lots of new things. I can also go back to school. For focusing on relationships, I can ask my friends about their day. I can make sure that I check in with my good friends when it's been a while. I can try to consider their feelings. I can do things that I know they like. I can try to put myself out there to make new friends. 

     And with the smaller steps, the bigger goals seem a lot more possible! 

     Of course, this technique won't work for everyone, everyone is different. I don't need the charts, but they make me feel a lot calmer and makes sure I don't miss anything. And frankly the peace of mind makes me feel a lot better--overall. (One of many tricks I have to calm some anxieties.) 
     
     But if this does help anyone, please feel free to use it! :)

Exclusionary Tactics

     Not to be just another re-hash of a particularly big topic right now, but unfortunately, I have an opinion on this topic. And since this is my blog and not someone else's, I'm posting it. 

     

     This has been an interesting week in the world of gaming. If you follow gaming news (and are not a psychopath), you may have been a little alarmed at some of the things that have been newsworthy this past week.  There was the DDoS attack that allegedly shut down the PSN. The bomb threat that diverted an airplane carrying the SONY CEO. The outrageous  harassment that nearly caused someone to sell his company, and forced someone else to leave her home. 

     Of course—I have an opinion on most of these things. Not the least of which the Fish BS. I mean, look, I agree that he is kind of an a-hole (he told a developer to his face that their games suck, for crying out loud), but you kind of give up your higher ground when you fall to the tactics of common criminals and losers with threats and releasing his personal information to the world. Never mind the fact that while the guy could use more tact, a lot of what he talks about isn't exactly wrong.  So, congratulations on that, way to make people not want to deal with making games at all anymore! Woo-hoo! Job well done. 

Stop being bigots. 

     There have been a lot of opinions coming out over the past few days, due to the actions of a group of psychopaths and losers. I have a newsflash: someone who posts death threats and hacks accounts? A psychopath, gamer or no. And they could be a psychopath whether they were gamers, or book lovers, or movie lovers. (This is not the only group to send out death threats when they don't get their way.) And I don't particularly appreciate being included in this group of crazies. But--people are losing their minds for no reason. There are articles coming about the irrelevance of gamers, leaving gamers behind, and the death of an identity.

     I am what you would call a “hardcore” gamer. (And just for the people that don't seem to understand that hardcore isn't a gaming term, it's just a correct use of the word; a definition: the most active, committed, or doctrinaire members of a group or movement.) I have been gaming since the days of 8-bit, since I was toddling around on legs barely tall enough to hold me (those of you that know me: no “But that’s now!” jokes.) I have logged more gaming hours than any man, boy, or child I know; and played everything from sim games, RPGs, to shooters, and everything in between. (One of my nostalgia tinged favorites: Zombies Ate MY Neighbors.) I have spent hours debating mythos, and designing new characters for beloved games, and replaying games for the 7-8-9-and 10^th times to see different possibilities. I love games. Absolutely love them. I also love books. And music. And you can be hardcore at anything, it's just a comment on how dedicated you are to the topic. 

     Gaming/gamer by definition is not exclusionary. Neither is boarder, artist, cinephile, bibliophile. People invent words to define their interest, and to be part of a group. Anyone can be a gamer, and just because you are a gamer, doesn't mean that you can't also be an audiophile. The above articles are defining a gamer as an identity--an exclusionary belief system---as opposed to what it is: someone who games. 

     I do not think gamers are dead. I don't think they'll die anytime soon. The same way that we have indie films, and subtitled, and all the different kinds of music enjoyed by more hardcore music lovers and movie lovers than what is mainstream, we will always have big, beautiful games, and the gamers willing to put in 200 hours to play them. Most gamers, while perhaps exasperated with people who play candy crush calling themselves gamers in a conversation with someone who has spent the bulk of their life playing games, new and old, long and short like it's equivalent (hence the differentiation of casual gamer vs hardcore gamer---both gamers, just of different degrees), are happy to see an influx of new people enjoying gaming. That means more games for the rest of us, too! More money, more recognition of games as a legitimate business and art form! Woo! 

Very interesting study! This is a good thing--we can all exist!

     These people of the last few days--these people are losers. They are sad examples of what happens when you don't learn to deal with differing opinions in a constructive way, people who never learned how to control themselves and live with society. The equivalent of a grown-ass person throwing a temper tantrum like a 5 year old--and giving the rest of us a bad name.

     I guess the point is this: Please do not include the bulk of gamers--who are happy to see you, and glad to see the medium growing and trying new things---in with these people who are exclusionary to the point of madness. Also, crazies. STOP. 

Destination Matters

     

     
     As in matters of destination, OR the destination matters.  See what I did there? So, I kind of thought that for now, I would write some more in depth ideas and topics about the goals I had listed previously here. Somewhat contrary to the above, I think both the journey and the destination matter. I believe more in the whole picture.  So one of the things I have been going through a lot lately is travelling. I LOVE to travel. I love to see new people, see new places, and try to blend in to a new location. I haven't been to a ton of places yet, but I have big plans. 
     
     As a newly solo traveler, I can go anywhere or do anything I want. There are a lot of considerations. An America trip? An international trip? A long weekend? Or a long week? So, as someone who has a hard time decided from a list of many on what to do, I've decided to make another list! 

1. I love lists. 
2. Hopefully someone will come across it and give me a vote! It'll help me decide. 

     I figure, if nothing else, I have all the information for my current top trips in one place, and I can 'eenie-meenie-minie-moe' it. So, here it is--and in no particular order:

• London

I absolutely LOVED London. I loved London so much that I could live there, and that is not true about many places that I've been. I loved the food, and the flat that I stayed in, and the shows, and Southbank. I loved the feel of the city, despite the lack of green-ness. This is one of the more expensive ones, and I would want to stay here for a while, since the flight would take a good chunk of time. I could also throw in a day trip or two, since the train system is so usable. 

• San Francisco

Another city destination! I've always wanted to go to San Fran--the hills, and the history. This one I have never been to, never been to California at all. And I'm not ashamed to admit, I've wanted to go to San Francisco ever since I saw the movie 'The Sweetest Thing." Don't judge me. 

• Raleigh, NC

Raleigh is another place I've been to before, but was considering going back because I have friends near there, and it's pretty close to the beach as well. 

• Maui

OMG look at that beach. I'm not going to lie, Maui is my top contender right now, despite the fact that it's expensive, despite the fact that it's almost fall, despite the fact that I'm a little too big to be comfortable in a bathing suit right now. I have never been more relaxed than I am on a beach, and I have to tell you the thought of it is chilling my bones from a distance. It also seems like a great solo trip since I know there is a lot of active things I could do; zip lining, snorkeling, climbing, etc.  

• Bangkok

Another international destination! Something a little more exotic--a good symbol of the fact that I'm not totally sure what I'm going for here. But the thought of wandering around Bangkok sounds extremely appealing to me. 

     That's the end of my list for now--and I still can't decide! At least this will be up for me to think about for a while. If anyone comes across this and has any thoughts, please let me know. 

     

     But who knows, maybe I don't need this at all--my cell phone just rang and apparently I've won a free trip to the Bahamas! I don't remember entering a content, but I'm sure all I have to do is wire them the money to send me my tickets. 

Being Lost--Or Life's To-Do List

     

     What does it mean to be lost? For the past couple of months I have felt like I was lost. In a very short span of time, I lost a family member, my marriage ended very suddenly (at least on my part), and I have felt unsure of my work. I have had to support my mother long past the time where she should more than be on her own. 

     Needless to say, I've been spending a good deal of time in thought. I decided to keep this blog for me as kind of a catch all. Something to help me explore and contemplate, and really try to figure out where I go from here. And maybe I can meet others with the same problems. Maybe not, who knows? 

     I've decided that I'm not lost. The definition of lost states being "unable to find one's way." I definitely do not think that is the case. I have a ton of things I love, a ton of things I want to do. I can be just myself for a while. If I try I can really expand my horizons and gain new perspective in my life. 

     But I know one thing is for sure: I can find my way.  I just have to try all the doors! 

     So--here is my list of things I want to do or try (it is not all inclusive--yet!): 

• Go back to school for my MBA. 

I want to get my MBA to keep myself competitive in my current field. My husband always kind of balked when I mentioned going to grad school, so I figure now is a good a time as any! Not a huge fan of taking out more student loans, but I'll be taking out as few as possible. Just a necessary evil right now, but I think it will be worth it, in the name of self improvement.  

• Decide if I want to get a more specialized degree (software, IT, or something else).

I love to learn, and always have. There are several things that I would love to be able to try, but I need some more specialized certification to do so. I used to work IT back in school, and loved it, but I decided to take something a bit more stable and easier to get into at the time--something I kind of regret, now. I've been thinking quite a bit about software design and development and game design---I would love to explore these a bit more. I am also pretty heavily into nutrition and fitness--so I'm interested in these, as well. 

• Decide want I want to be when I grow up. 

Slightly related to the above point, haha! My job currently is very stable. There are a lot of pluses to it, and I am certainly not ungrateful! But--I'm just not sure if it is where I want to be in 5 or 10 years. There is a lot of busy work, and I don't really feel as though I'm living up to my full potential there. And I'm definitely not really passionate about it--and I don't think I've quite given up on finding something that I can make a living at and be really passionate about. 

• Write my novel.

I have had several ideas for novels over the years. But lately I've had one floating around that just won't seem to go away--I feel like this is the first one that will actually get written. I am going to give it my best shot. 

• Improve my fitness level. 

I'm pretty strong. But I want to be more fit, and have more stamina. I always feel good when I workout, it's just getting to actually start it. Included with this in increasing my nutrition. 

• Improve my confidence level. 

This is a big deal for me. I am confident about several things--mostly my abilities, but my own personal self is a lot harder. 

• Travel more.

I want to go and explore more places. Be relaxed, and feel out a place. 

• Draw more.

I love to draw. I love to make things, and draw and paint and color pretty pictures. I want to experiment with new techniques and put some more time into it. I have been kind of starting a comic, too, so I'd like to see where that goes. 

• Get out there and meet new people.

I am an introvert. I tend to be quiet, and be more of a quality over quantity kind of person. With my husband, who was an extrovert (an extreme extrovert), he tended to dominate all conversations. He would take over and be the only one anyone heard. In the few weeks since our split--it has been a real surprise how many friends I didn't know I had, that have come out of the woodwork without him blocking the view. I want to open myself up to meeting more people and making more friends, and building closer friendships with the friends I already have.  

• Be me! 

This one is both all of these things and none of them. With the questions the come with life events like those that have happened to me recently, I have wondered who I am, who I want to be. Are they the same? Are they close? In a way the above items are part of the path to this one. I will not let anyone else dictate my life anymore. 

    I'll touch on these things all again, but the bottom line is this: Sometimes the only thing that matters is your perspective. 

E3!

So! My first topic I think will be one of current trendy-trendiness. At least among my people! E3! The Entertainment Electronics Expo this year has a lot of good showings, some things of interest, some things of not so much interest.  First, a disclaimer: I do not play sports or racing games. Meh to all the mehs. The most I will say about any of those is that they look beautiful on the next gen consoles.

The most interesting thing to come out of the Microsoft conference, I thought, was the release of the Halo: Master Chief Collection, which will contain the Halos 1-4, and the Halo: Nightfall. Most of the other things that I really enjoyed here will come up later.

Next was EA—There were multiple good showings there, I was very much looking forward to them. BioWare came out swinging with Dragon Age: Inquisition to be released on 10/7/2014. (Check out the Inquisitors Pack here.) They also gave a small (very small) teaser for the next Mass Effect (which I continue to hope will at least mention the Commander we all know and love). They also revealed that BioWare is developing a new IP--though very little detail there. 

During the DAI gameplay demo, they did confirm multiple cameos (Morrigan, Cullen, Leiliana) though they held tight on any we didn't already know about. They also stated that this was one of the largest crews, and the largest number of romances that they had done. 

They also gave a release date and some demos of The SIMS 4, another game I am really excited about. 

Ubisoft—Ubi had an excellent showing this year, I thought. Assasins Creed Unity looks really great (though I hope multi-player is not a requirement.) The Witcher looks AMAZING, very open, and Rainbow Six looks excellent as well. My personal favorite from them though is the new Far Cry. 

Keeping up with the tradition of bat-sh1t insane villans , Pagan Min looks a despot through and through. Check it out: 

PlayStation--- Announced a remake of Grim Fandango, showed a new white PS bundle for Destiny; release date 9/9/14 (I signed up for Alpha!), No man’s Sky, The Order: 1886. They also showed off Project Morpheus and PS TV. PS Now should also be demoing for PS4 this Summer.  

Nintendo came the next morning---Announcing a new Legend of Zelda, some of the playable characters for Hyrule Warriors (Yay Zelda and Midna!), Xenoblade Chronicles X. Also a new Pokémon. 

Those are definitely some of my favorites! Going to be super fun when that stuff comes out. 

For a full list of games at this point, this is the best list I've found:

http://m.ign.com/wikis/e3/Games_at_E3_2014