I am in crisis. Call it a quarter-life crisis, perhaps. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I've been writing this blog as kind of an outlet, a connection to the outside world, and for now I definitely like that. Of course, this is just one small part of my life right now.
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I went back to school to get my MBA. Here's the thing though, I don't want it. I never really wanted it, it was beneficial to getting a better paying job, etc. So then I tried to think: "Okay, well what do I want to do?" Well, I like computers. I was in the IT program in college and really enjoyed it, but copped out because the degree was going to take too long. I regret that now, so I tried to switch programs. Turns out, this was impossible with my school. So I have now withdrawn from the MBA program, with the plan to re-enroll in the IT program.
And yet...I think I'm going to hold out on re-enrolling for a bit. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, really. I don't want to lock myself into something that I regret right now, seeing as I'm pretty unsure, right now.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about acting. That was my original dream, as a little girl (well, actress and singer, of course). But I pushed it back, tabled that idea because as a child I was very shy. It would have been impossible for me to be on stage. Now, however, as an adult--I have put a lot of work into that, and have vastly improved.
I looked up some acting classes, and I think I might take them. Just to see. I'm not really sure. I'm kind of floundering. There are a lot of things I could do. But this has really stuck in my mind. I've been thinking about it for a while, but it was one of those things that I only just realized what I had in mind. My mother told me: "Well, it's a lot of work." She seemed surprised that I already knew that. I guess I was kind of surprised that I knew that. About head shots, and demo reels, and casting calls, etc. I had been paying even closer attention than I even thought. I'm no model, but I really think I'm pretty good at it--and of course, classes could only help. And they might make me really think about it--for good or bad.
My mind is of course my biggest roadblock here, telling me I'm being ridiculous, that I could never do anything as an actor, that I'm, not pretty enough, not thin enough, etc. And maybe that's true, maybe not, I think there are a lot of people in acting who are only about as attractive as I am, really.
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And then there's this: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? So many people would kill for what you have!" I have a good job, pretty good pay, a decent place to live. But I'm just so blah. I'm not happy. It's such a difficult question.
What's more important? Stability or doing something you love? I'm honestly not sure.
But the bottom line is this: I'm free to choose my own direction, and at this point, I don't want there to be any regrets. So, I'm going to try some stuff, I think. I can take acting classes and IT classes at the same time, no problem. Feel it out, try to decide where I want to go.
My biggest fear is that I will just have no direction--just aimlessly drift through life. And I'm not willing to do that. I don't know. I plan to figure it out!
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